"I remember him wrapping his arms around me to start, and then his hands would begin to wander. He would rub my back, the slip his hands under my pajamas, rubbing my butt, and the he would make his way to my genitals."
"What was that like for you, when something that was supposed to be nurturing turned into sexual trauma?"
"It was confusing. I loved my dad, and I wanted to be close to him and make him happy. But something inside of me knew it was wrong, but, at the same time, it felt good. I think the hardest part was feeling frozen, like I had no control."
Lisa's imprinting of sexual abuse has kept her from having healthy sexual relationships. Even the thought of being touched can set off an intense emotional reaction.
"I only like to be touched if I feel in control," Lisa explains. "I don't even like to be around people who are being affectionate."
"Why is that?" I ask.
"Because I feel uncomfortable. I see them as being weak, unable to control themselves."
"So when you are in a relationship, there is no show of public affection?"
"We'll hold hands, but that's about it," she says, shrugging he shoulders.
"What about in private?"
"It's easier in private, as long as I feel I am in control."
"What does that look like, being in control?"
"I have to have my eyes open, lights on, facing the person."
"Are you able to experience pleasure?"
"Are you able to orgasm?"
"Never," Lisa says with defiance.
Lisa's level of sexual aversion is extreme. It is a terror traumatically imprinted in her core. When this fear is triggered, it takes her back to the scared, helpless little girl lying frozen in her father's bed.