Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Drifting off into the slumber, Ben was jolted by a loud clap of thunder. Groggy, he sat up and noticed one of his Nanny's bras draped over a doorknob. Intrigued, Ben unwrapped himself from the warmth of the comforter and reached for her undergarments. He observed it functional design, so different from any of the frilly, scantily designed undergarments he had seen in the Playboy magazines his Dad kept in the basement. He caressed the bra against his cheek; it felt soothing and comforting, but also wrong. Being so close to something so intimate to Nanny's felt naughty, but also felt titillating.
Despite Ben's recognition that he had violated Nanny's privacy, he was unable to stop. He knew it was wrong, but, even worse, he was enjoying it. An overwhelming urge overtook him and, in that moment, Ben made a decision that changed his life. He stole Nanny's bra. He violated his core values, but he could not help himself. The relief was too great.
Ben's ritual of stealing Nanny's bras and masturbating with me lasted for years. It was his first sexual 'high'.
Ben's compulsive behaviors fused shame and fear with sexual arousal. Ben's mother taught him that needing or wanting love and attention was "selfish." Ben learned that his emotional dependence on her led to shaming words, which cut him to his core. His Nanny had provided for some emotional needs, but her succor came too late to overcome the traumatic damage caused by his mother. He had already learned his traumatic lesson: do not trust anyone, especially women.
Ben's father also taught through example: Provide superficial comfort for your woman so that she will leave you alone, then retaliate by stealing away to your secret stash of Playboy magazines in the basement.
When Ben began to steal bras, he was acting out his anger: anger against what his mother was incapable of giving him, and the shame and pain of his traumatically induced worthlessness. Nanny, as a mother-substitute, received this deflected anger.