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Friday, September 20, 2013

Anonymous Sex (Part One)

Anonymous sex is high-risk sex that traumatically replicates the danger posed to the child by his original perpetrator. The differences is that, in adulthood, he has become the violator in order to take power and control. It is likely that the sexual element of the danger was intense, which is how danger, sex, and intensity became fused in his sexual template.

Mark sits in the outer office of the clinic. The stark lighting irritates his eyes, and the hard chairs remind him of the demoralizing predicament that has driven him here, rather than to the comfortable office of his family practitioner.

An attractive, tall, tanned, toned, blond man in his early thirties, Mark is a stark contrast from the other patients in the waiting room. In polished Italian loafers, a designer suit with a white silk shirt, and a fashionable, abstractly patterned tie, he has the air of success.

Mark glances at his watch for the third time in five minutes. He is eager to get his appointment over because he is confident he already knows his diagnosis. Mark is all familiar with the crushing blow that comes with the doctor's words. Like a verdict being handed down from the high court, it is something he would rather forget.

Mark can hear his uncle snoring in the twin bed across the room. He can also smell the alcohol and cigarette smoke that emanate from his breath. Uncle Joe, deemed "the biggest loser" by Mark's mother, landed on their doorstep a few days ago, jobless and broke. Mark's dad, Joe's older brother, took pity on him and agreed to help Joe get "back on his feet."

Uncle Joe's temporary lapse in snoring allows Mark to drift back to sleep. Always a sound sleeper, Mark is confused and disoriented when he is awakened again, this time by something probing his face. Still half-asleep, Mark tries to brush it away; however, this time Mark is awake enough to realize it is his uncle's penis. Mark is frantic, but his uncle restrains Mark's movement, making it impossible for him to break free. Mark feels as if he is suffocating, as if he might die, as if the violence will never end.

"Gonorrhea," Mark's doctor says. "I'm sorry to tell you, but that's what you've got."
Mark stares straight ahead as the words wash over him like a bad dream.

For Mark, the damage of his traumatic sexual wounding is a high-risk sexual addiction that is about power and control rather than sexual titillation. His high comes from the mastery over the original wounding. The problem is that, every time Mark acts out, he feels shame and is like to sum up the feeling as self-loathing.  

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