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Monday, September 30, 2013

Intrusive Sex

Bobby's grandmother scared him. 

Intrusive sex involves boundary violations without discovery and, although it is passivise-aggressive, the energy behind the perversion is anger. A man cuts a hole in his hotel room in order to spy on the sexual on-goings of the couple next door. He could have rented porn video if all he wanted was sexual arousal, but he want the sexual arrousal with a mandatory add-on: He has to violate the privacy boundaries of the sexual actors. His high comes from the emotions attendant on the forbidden access to what he was taught is a shameful act.

Bobby's grandmother scared him. A large woman with a booming voice, she commanded attention and seemed to suck the air out of the room. Bobby's mother was no match for her domineering mother.
"She's a nut job," Bobby's dad said.

Bobby, the youngest of five, was often left in his grandmother's care, when he learned to stay as far from her as possible, which meant playing outside. But this, too, had its dangers. coming home dirty would cause an uproar, and his grandmother would spank Bobby or give him a beating.

Even worse moments would occur when Bobby wet his pants. This happened frequently because Bobby was so frightened of entering the house when his grandmother was there. Bobby internalized his grandmother's shameless, red-faced rage. "You are disgusting and dirty," she would yell.

Although wetting himself was an accident born out of fear, Bobby was taught that to be himself, to be human, was to be disgusting and dirty.

After he wet himself, Bobby would be thrown into a cold bath. Scrubbing his penis with a rough cloth, his grandmother would tell him, "This is a dirty thing, a dirty thing. We have to scrub away your dirty little thing."

Bobby dared not provoke her further by crying out. He would shut his eyes, hold his breath, and wait until her fury abated.

"What are the changes?" I ask.
"Almost all the woman in the sales department have filed a complaint."

Bobby again becomes the humiliated boy who so long ago was terrified by his grandmother. His eyes are full of fear.

The rage that Bobby had stuffed had begun to leak out by the age of ten.

"I started touching women in stores," Bobby explains.
He would pretend that it was inadvertent. "I would let my hand brush up against their crotch or their butt. It was such a high."
"By ten you were doing this?"
"Yeah, I would even practice doing it in my bedroom to perfect my technique. What was so great was that, as a kid, it was so easy; that never said anything, even though I knew they felt it. That big problems started when I was entered high school."

Bobby began touching girls in the crowded hallways, and making inappropriate sexual comments and obscene phone calls.

"This was before call ID, cell phones, or any of that, but they could still trace calls," Bobby continues.

"That's the first time you got caught?"
"Yeah, when I was fourteen."
Bobby's high was in the release of his unbridled rage on unsuspecting women. Crowded hallways, public events like ball games and theater lobbies, and tight quarters such as the cabin of an airplane became prime acting-out territories.
"And then came the Internet," Bobby says. "That's when my addiction really exploded."

It's late as Bobby sits hunched over his computer; the glow of the screen is the only light in the room. Deep in concentration, he adjusts the remote cameras' focus with his keyboard controls. He has installed three cameras, one for each stall in the women's bathroom.

"Had you installed other cameras," I ask.
"Not yet, but I had been thinking about how to install some at the women's locker room at the gold club."

Through his traumatic wounding, Bobby created a distorted sexual template that justifies his intrusive acts. In the haze of his addiction, Bobby's high comes from the emotions attendant on his forbidden access to what he was taught is dirty and shameful.

He sees women as disgusting, and he has the right to demean their sexuality the way he was demeaned. While holding himself safe from rebuke, he holds them in utter contempt, judging them from behind a wall of sexualized anger. In the one-up position of moral condemnation, he escapes the one-down position of having been condemned for the very same act. Now he is in control, and now he has the power.

***  

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