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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Genital Pleasure

In the stage leading up to genital sex, you have been delaying gratification, which is extremely difficult for recovering sex addicts.

The goundwork has been laid for genital sex. The slow relational work and in-the-moment physicality have been safely and trustingly shared. You will talk to your partner about moving into the genital sex stage. Your conversation might sound like this:

"You know that I feel closer and closer to you, and I want to share with you the experience of the physical aspect of our sexuality. And I want to introduce some of the stuff that we have already been able to do together. This involves creating pleasure, not only genitally, but throughout the whole body, the senses, and the environment we create. So I was thinking that, the first time we are sexual, we could bring some of the techniques we have used into the room with us and allow them to be present as we start to make love."

Another scenario might proceed differently as one partner shares:

"I am really scared. I have a lot of fear about having sex with you because I have never experienced sex with someone I really care about. I think it is going to be really different, but not only am I scared, I am really excited."
"You know, I really hear what you are saying. I am excited about it, too," the partner says.

When both parties have agreed to genital contact, the sexual experience will be much different than it was during the addiction. Hopefully, the restored trust, attunement to one's body, use of boundaries, and communication skills will allow for a loving exchange that results in feelings of comfort, safety, warmth, and love. The results will be shame-free and life-enhancing, a very new experience for the addict. This will begin the restoration of genital fulfillment, and ongoing process of exploration. It can be not only new and challenging, but fun as well.

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