Sunday, March 9, 2014


Dr. Frederick Penzel, PHD - Specializes in Clinical Psychology - Male 

Help anonymously is out  there.

His own words...

Sex Addiction is called an intimacy disorder because people who are sex addicts do not know how to relate in an intimate (close) relationship in an open and comfortable way.  Not only are sex and intimacy detached from one another they are not even in the same neighborhood.  Intimacy is an essential part of love relationships.  It is the ability to share all parts of ourselves (our thoughts, our bodies, our feelings), to be vulnerable, and to be honest about what is going on inside of us.  Even with someone they love, sex addicts are “intimacy disabled”, that is they are fearful of sharing their true selves with another person and are therefore unable to share one or more aspects of their true selves.  They are unhappy and lonely and desperately want to “connect”.  Like the now cliché lyric says, they are “looking for love in all the wrong places”.  But the solution to the problem does not lie outside of them.  It is more than just bad choices, poor judgment or a lack of adequate information.  It is a deeper problem and that is why it is termed and intimacy disorder.  The sex addict is literally unable to break down the wall that distorts and separates his sex life from his normal life and unable to integrate the various parts of himself in the context of a loving relationship.

Sexual addiction as an intimacy disorder results in part from a lack of adequate bonding due to some disruption in the relationship to a primary caregiver (usually the parent).  Sex addicts were often sexually abused as children but they are more often emotionally neglected and tend to come from families that are rigid, authoritarian or sexually repressed.  This failure leads to an inability to trust and to bond normally with another and a fear of sharing all the parts of oneself with another.   In sex addicts this intimacy disorder results in the addict leading a “double life”.  Most often the addict’s sex life exists apart from his or her life with a spouse, partner, boyfriend or girlfriend.  Even when the sex addict is having sex with a partner or spouse, it is often the case that the addict is not “all there”.  He or she may be lost in fantasy or just going through the motions.  Many addicts feel they are having satisfying sex with their partners when in fact they are not really able to be present.  Even addicts who feel they really desire their partner usually have some other more compelling and highly charged experience that they revert to outside of their relationship whether it is serial seduction, hook-ups, prostitutes, chat rooms or affairs.


OneWithNature said...

Interesting article...

The stigma must be removed as well as anyone feeling they're not worth getting on-track who wobbles with this condition... now.


AShowerADay said...

Few issues in our society are as misunderstood, mismanaged and mistreated as is the current approach to the sex addiction. Much too often, people equate sex addiction with the more extreme behaviors. To me, tragically, the shock, fear, confusion, disgust and ignorance that drives the perceptions of sexual addiction takes the primary role in guiding the recovery response as well. This applies equally to those engaging in compulsive sexual behavior and their partners.

I swear this is THE stigma that needs rendering. HOW to go about this? People could be so beneficial to child abuse if they would COME OUT and seek help. It would make them stronger not show some weakness.

For instance Gerry Butler said that before when he went into rehab for pain killers that it was voluntary to prevent something. It should be looked at about PREVENTION.

How to get this reversed to a GOOD thing? That's the challenge. WHO could be a forerunner, VISIONARY, and whistle blower for this silent epidemic? Who is brave enough to go FIRST?


FullMoonRising said...

When children are abused they come to believe the messages their abusers deliver, such as: 'You are worthless' and 'You have no value'. Of course, these messages are not true, but children naturally accept the messages that adults pass on. These messages become internalized so that, when a child who has been abused grows up, the adult survivor will often experience feelings of low self-worth or poor self-confidence. Rebuilding self-esteem is a gradual process, but a crucial one.


FullMoonRising said...

A history of child abuse of ANY kind and emotional neglect can impact on an adult's quality of life in fundamental ways. It can make basic day-to-day activities, such as eating, sleeping, working and study, very difficult. Child abuse and neglect can also effect your mental health, physical health, and your relationships with the people around you.

Survivors are often out of touch with their feelings - confused by emotions or reactions they cannot explain. They have often been raised in environments in which a child’s normal expressions of upset or discomfort were punished or ignored. They may have been taught to attribute the negative emotions associated with abuse, such as shame and anger, towards themselves, rather than towards their abusers. This confusion often persists into adult life, resulting in heightened experiences of relationships and connections.

People own anxiety, grief and sadness, shame, self blame and guilt. Survivors often find it difficult to trust. As children they might have been betrayed by the very adults who were meant to nurture and protect them. As a result, survivors often find it difficult to form and sustain relationships.

Helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness.

Like everyone, survivors have a right to “a life worth living” but instead survivors often live with chronic distress and pain. For many survivors, these emotions are such a basic part of their day-to-day life that they don’t realize that there are alternatives. They may try to regulate their emotions through alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, or other compulsive behaviors.

Many survivors also cut or burn themselves out of despair.

Learning about emotions – what they are, where they come from, and how to respond to them – is a crucial part of building a worthwhile life. Survivors can learn new, effective ways of regulating the intensity of their feelings, so that they don’t need to use alcohol or drugs and/or cut to express their emotions. For many survivors, learning about the psychological impacts of abuse helps to clarify why they have struggled for so long, and how they are going to move forward.

Acknowledging these feelings, understanding where they come from and why they are so intense is an important part of any survivor’s journey. People need to know that we are not alone. It is a silent epidemic. The stigma needs lifted. Someone has to take up that flag and wave it like in Les Miserables!

Stop being a slave to your own thoughts.


ILoveYouNoMatterWhat said...

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when he holds in anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, anger can turn inward—on ourself.

Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

ILoveYouNoMatterWhat said...

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. We can be angry at a specific person knowingly or not. Maybe many people.

Anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings; which is where Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and Anger Issues come into play. WE can be our own harshest critic.

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. Anger can be GOOD.

On the other hand, we can't physically or verbally lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us. People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are:



and calming.

Expressing angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Amanda said...

I agree if anger is misplaced then anger can easily boil over in an instant or without a moments thought. I think that anger is a very real human emotion and many of us can experience it on any number of days. Anger is often associated with suspicion and mistrust, and can manifest itself in feelings of hostility, frustration, exasperation and even fury.

Amanda said...

Anger is a very real emotion and everyone throughout the ages has experienced it. Anger is the emotional energy you generate for the fight against that perceived threat. What can be confusing is that your mind creates fear and anger even when the threat is just imagined.

Amanda said...

Most of the emotional drama in ones life is created because we look at and interpret things from the point of view of inner judge or victim. The victim point of view is generally of fear, low self esteem and powerlessness.